So I went to look at my bucket list today, and I literally just burst into tears.

This was at the top of my bucket list.
The very fucking first thing.

FIVE hours ago I made a post, about how this break up of My Chemical Romance hadn’t hit me yet, five hours later and after watching all of the Grammy interviews, watching fan made videos, watching The Black Parade music video, and re-reading Gerard’s post today, it is finally starting to hit me. Watching them as a band, together, doing things, doing interviews, performing, but also constantly knowing that they are no longer a band has finally started to sink in.

I just had a bawl, one much greater than the one I had when I first found out they had broken up, one much greater than any I had had for a long time. And one that made me feel the greatest of sadness. I think this cry was therapeutic in a way, it was like me finally accepting the truth but I’m still unsure as to how long it would take till I can let go. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe never.

It still hasn’t really hit me that My Chemical Romance have broken up and I don’t know when it ever will hit me properly. I’ve had my emotional breakdowns few too many times over the past two days, but what I’ve finally realised is that nothing has really changed.

Nothing has changed except the hope of something new, the knowledge of what’s happening. Nothing has changed except we all feel a whole lot more sad.

We’ve been through the last couple of months, nearly the past year even, with few updates, and little understanding of the whereabouts of the band, yet we were always content. We were always satisfied knowing that tomorrow something might happen, knowing that tomorrow the fifth album may have a release date, knowing tomorrow a world tour could be announced. We always had the hope that the boys would do something new soon. Even if we didn’t know how soon, we knew it would happen.

And now the same amount of nothing is happening, except for one crushing difference, the truth. The fact that we know that tomorrow nothing will be happening, tomorrow there will not be a fifth album release, tomorrow there will not be a world tour. We’ve lost the hope that we had for the past year. Even if it was hope that had so little impact on our everyday lives.

However, reading Gerard’s letter/update today and the chilling last lines reminded me of the great years I’ve had listening to their music. It reminds me of how great this band is and how ‘real’ they are. His ‘thank you’ to the fans, his friends, his bandmates, and his feeling of Love is exactly what I feel this band has brought me. And that is something that will stay with me forever, I will never forget these 12 years and I will always remember this part of my childhood and growing up.

“Since I am bad with goodbyes. I refuse to let this be one. But I will leave you with one last thing- 

My Chemical Romance is done. But it can never die. 
It is alive in me, in the guys, and it is alive inside all of you. 
I always knew that, and I think you did too.

Because it is not a band- 
it is an idea.

Love,
Gerard”